Balance

• Hemoglobin 13.5 (WHO normal 14.0-17.3) — normal by UM standards
  
• Absolute neutrophil count 2.4 (normal 1.4-7.5) — NORMAL
  
• White blood cell count 3.1 (normal 4-10) — subnormal but expected
• Platelet count 201 (normal 150-450) — NORMAL

These counts are from April 9 (see new charts). The fact that I'm just getting around to posting them, three weeks later, gives you an idea of how much less urgent this all seems now. White blood count's low because of low lymphocytes (0.4, normal ≥ 1.2), which we expect to see for another 18 months or so. (This carries no clinical implications, so nobody's worried. Not even me.) Everything else looks great.

They actually had to make me go in for the blood test. I thought Dr. B had put me on a 3-month schedule, but the nurses thought otherwise, so I grumbled but I went. I won't have another until mid-May, at my next followup with Dr. B.

It's been 6 weeks since my last headache. Once in a while I get a twinge that reminds me the underlying condition's still hanging around, but otherwise I am absolutely, completely normal now. I can do anything. Bring it on.

Median time to relapse is 8 years. Retreatment usually works. Some people never need more treatment. And I have a normal life expectancy. That shakes out as victory — which is never permanent anyway, so why the hell not.

In fact I feel better than I have in 2 years. The other day I suddenly realized I'm taking stairs 2 at a time again, something I did all my life until I gradually started slowing down as my hemoglobin dropped. I made up all kinds of excuses — aging, tired that day, didn't want to sweat in my work clothes. But I sometimes wondered why I couldn't just bound on up the stairs, like I always had.

Anyway. Balance. I had in mind "balance sheet," adding up a bit of what I learned from all this. Today that seems like a bigger job than I want to tackle, so I'll just throw out this:

Time is short, and precious. Don't waste it wishing you were somebody else.

If you've got a good life, you don't need another one. Just do what you do, use what you have, give everything you can to everyone who needs you. Chop wood. Carry water.

Objection

Passed on to me by a friend:

Conscientious Objector
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I shall die, but
that is all that I shall do for Death.
I hear him leading his horse out of the stall;
I hear the clatter on the barn-floor.
He is in haste; he has business in Cuba,
business in the Balkans,
many calls to make this morning.
But I will not hold the bridle
while he cinches the girth.
And he may mount by himself:
I will not give him a leg up.

Though he flick my shoulders with his whip,
I will not tell him which way the fox ran.
With his hoof on my breast, I will not tell him where
the black boy hides in the swamp.
I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death;
I am not on his pay-roll.

I will not tell him the whereabouts of my friends
nor of my enemies either.
Though he promise me much,
I will not map him the route to any man's door.
Am I a spy in the land of the living,
that I should deliver men to Death?
Brother, the password and the plans of our city
are safe with me; never through me
Shall you be overcome.

Endgame?

Too soon to declare victory.

But since I started acupuncture treatments, 12 days ago, I've had no headaches to speak of. (Well, I did have one, but it felt more like a hangover from taking a muscle relaxant at 3:30 AM.) Tension in my face and jaw slowly diminished. That's still hanging around, but at a low level, doesn't distract me much now and seems a bit lighter every day. Teeth mostly stopped hurting, too.

I had three followup appointments, 3-4 days apart. Yesterday the acupuncturist declared my case closed, except for a tuneup in 2 weeks.

Also, no drugs at all now, except nortriptyline for chronic insomnia. (If you read the link, don't freak out — my dose is only 15 mg, not enough to trigger the increase in suicidal tendencies that can accompany this drug when it's used as an antidepressant at 50-100 mg. And I had the insomnia long before HCL.)

One of my colleagues wrote:

I know about headaches, had them for 1.5 years every day. It was hard; I even talked to my own headache, as if it was a person controlling me. At some point, however, it disappeared, slowly. And when it was gone, I even missed it, strangely enough. I asked where are you? Of course, it was a blessing to live without it again. I hope you will find the same grace. I wish you love, strength and courage.

I know what he means. Mine lasted from the beginning of December until the middle of March. Three and a half months. You have no idea how good it feels to be able to just say Fine, thanks when somebody asks me how I'm doing. Pain makes very boring conversation.

Yesterday I spent 7.5 straight hours in social situations — meetings, a talk, a dinner. Wasn't sure I'd make it, but I did. Three weeks ago I couldn't go out at all, could hardly talk to my family, had to keep going off to lie down and try to relax my face. The slightest facial expression felt like the Nazi dentist from Marathon Man testing his drills on my head. When that's happening you think it will never stop. Thought I'd ruined my teeth. Started imagining living with dentures at age 50. Began contemplating a permanent headache, daily pain, a lifetime of pureed food — somehow accommodating to that. Somebody else I know has had more or less constant pain for a decade or so, from neck and back problems. I can't imagine how she survives it — much less taking the time to read this blog and write me sympathetic emails. Where does that come from?

The last few days have been almost like normal. Almost like before leukemia. Not quite. That one's not so easy to forget. And I'm still a bit nervous about the headaches coming back. If I go a month without them, I might get ready to drop my guard.